It’s a long way down, but I feel alright.
Overwhelming sadness. Though I appreciate his honesty (as confusing as it was/is). Much better than being strung along.
And in all fairness, the unsettling sadness comes as much from me as from him. I mean, I knew this was coming: this feeling of emptiness. And I recognized that while I was doing whatever it was I was doing with him, part of my focus on it was due to my current lack of other meaningful things to focus on. I’ve certainly written about it before, and thought about it even more.
But of course, I’m also mourning the fact that I really like(d) him and was excited to be seeing him and getting to know him. And it seemed so mutual. Never once did I have any indication that this was coming—quite the opposite. And I tend to be pretty attuned to the signals people send me. He was so all over me and affectionate, and I guess the strongest “signal” of all was the way he started bringing me into various aspects of his life... Could it be that he felt a lack of those same things from me? I mean, I kept trying to have him meet my friends, etc. but for one reason or another, he was never able/willing to make it out. And anyway, that’s certainly not what he indicated on the phone by saying that his “heart just isn’t in this.”
But where in the hell were the signals that his heart just wasn’t in it? On the contrary, I often felt overwhelmed at just how in it I thought his heart was.
I also wasn’t sure if he was saying he didn’t like where we were headed, or that he didn’t see it headed anywhere, or maybe that he wanted it to be headed somewhere specific and didn’t feel that it was... Or maybe he thought I saw it headed somewhere that he didn’t want it to go. I just don’t know. I couldn’t wrap my head around the things he was saying, partly because I was missing every other word due to our crappy cell phone connection, and partly because he was being kind of evasive, I guess.
But as I ended up saying to him, I am leaving the ball entirely in his court. I think that’s just the healthiest and most reasonable thing to do. Doesn’t help with the sadness though. I guess that like with any “wound,” as the days go by this one will heal more and more and hurt less and less. Today it’s just too fresh, and that’s going to make this a difficult day.
Good talk with G this am which really helped, but now here it is midday, and I sit here sweating in my office and once again finding it difficult to turn my attention from these sad and frustrating things. Of course I keep mulling over ways to contact him and extract further information, but in the end I know I have to remain true to what I said and just let the ball stay where it is. I mean, although it would certainly be nice to have more info, the result ultimately remains the same. If he doesn’t want to be involved, then he doesn’t want to be involved. Nothing can be done about that. Lord knows I’ve been on that side of that coin.
Another puzzler: he kept saying he was “happy with things the way they are.” But if that’s the case, why cut it off? It implies that either a) I wasn't happy with things the way they were, or b) I was trying to move them to another place that he may not have been comfortable with. If I was trying to do such a thing, I wasn't aware of it. But maybe he gauged my level of interest to be different than his. (Been on that side of that coin, as well.) I just don’t get it. It’s all so frustrating, since it came as such a shock. And I guess as a result, I have this strong desire to know where it came from. Though I probably never will, and I guess no one is ever owed that luxury.
Well, I’ll miss him. But that’s ok. Just add him to the list, I suppose.
And in all fairness, the unsettling sadness comes as much from me as from him. I mean, I knew this was coming: this feeling of emptiness. And I recognized that while I was doing whatever it was I was doing with him, part of my focus on it was due to my current lack of other meaningful things to focus on. I’ve certainly written about it before, and thought about it even more.
But of course, I’m also mourning the fact that I really like(d) him and was excited to be seeing him and getting to know him. And it seemed so mutual. Never once did I have any indication that this was coming—quite the opposite. And I tend to be pretty attuned to the signals people send me. He was so all over me and affectionate, and I guess the strongest “signal” of all was the way he started bringing me into various aspects of his life... Could it be that he felt a lack of those same things from me? I mean, I kept trying to have him meet my friends, etc. but for one reason or another, he was never able/willing to make it out. And anyway, that’s certainly not what he indicated on the phone by saying that his “heart just isn’t in this.”
But where in the hell were the signals that his heart just wasn’t in it? On the contrary, I often felt overwhelmed at just how in it I thought his heart was.
I also wasn’t sure if he was saying he didn’t like where we were headed, or that he didn’t see it headed anywhere, or maybe that he wanted it to be headed somewhere specific and didn’t feel that it was... Or maybe he thought I saw it headed somewhere that he didn’t want it to go. I just don’t know. I couldn’t wrap my head around the things he was saying, partly because I was missing every other word due to our crappy cell phone connection, and partly because he was being kind of evasive, I guess.
But as I ended up saying to him, I am leaving the ball entirely in his court. I think that’s just the healthiest and most reasonable thing to do. Doesn’t help with the sadness though. I guess that like with any “wound,” as the days go by this one will heal more and more and hurt less and less. Today it’s just too fresh, and that’s going to make this a difficult day.
Good talk with G this am which really helped, but now here it is midday, and I sit here sweating in my office and once again finding it difficult to turn my attention from these sad and frustrating things. Of course I keep mulling over ways to contact him and extract further information, but in the end I know I have to remain true to what I said and just let the ball stay where it is. I mean, although it would certainly be nice to have more info, the result ultimately remains the same. If he doesn’t want to be involved, then he doesn’t want to be involved. Nothing can be done about that. Lord knows I’ve been on that side of that coin.
Another puzzler: he kept saying he was “happy with things the way they are.” But if that’s the case, why cut it off? It implies that either a) I wasn't happy with things the way they were, or b) I was trying to move them to another place that he may not have been comfortable with. If I was trying to do such a thing, I wasn't aware of it. But maybe he gauged my level of interest to be different than his. (Been on that side of that coin, as well.) I just don’t get it. It’s all so frustrating, since it came as such a shock. And I guess as a result, I have this strong desire to know where it came from. Though I probably never will, and I guess no one is ever owed that luxury.
Well, I’ll miss him. But that’s ok. Just add him to the list, I suppose.
posted by P/O at 4/20/2005 02:33:00 PM
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