These are the thoughts...
More silly random journaling. Too scattered to do anything else right now.
“Since you can never control the way another person thinks or acts, living your life the way you think they want you to live it will inevitably bring disappointment. If, on the other hand you measure success in a more self-reflective way (am I being authentic? Am I learning to trust? Am I less fearful?), then no matter what happens to the relationship, you still end up a winner.”
These particular words are from the current TONY sex column, but while reading it I was struck by how a propos it was to the things I’m always reminding myself of these days. Just be authentic. Be yourself. And the rest will fall into place. Everyone’s journey to wherever they are in life is unique, and it’s ridiculous to try to bend that to appear to be similar to the path someone else has followed. As long as you both (or all) understand and accept the truth of each other’s history/makeup, then that’s all that matters. I have a good life, and try to live as a good person, and there’s nothing ultimately to be ashamed of there. And when I do discover some shameful little detail, I work to correct it instead of covering it up. Seems to be working, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessing over those same little details when not cognizant of this credo.
I am continually disappointed by D and the state of our friendship. And try as I might, I can’t figure that out. I have no idea why I hold her to a standard different that that to which I hold the majority of my friends. Why do I expect some sort of special treatment from her? And why, when I don’t get it, do I feel particularly betrayed? And when she does decide to reach out and make an effort, why do I see it as too little, too late? I have to figure this out. Maybe it’s just that I always thought our relationship was more “special” than it actually is. Maybe it’s like being on that sad end of a romantic relationship where you’re so much more interested and invested than the other person. I don’t know. Gotta take my own advice though (see above), and let her off the hook. The good thing is that I’ve refused to indicate that there’s been any hook to begin with, so she should be completely unaware. Long ago I realized that no good could come from any kind of discussion. It would only serve to further alienate us from each other. Better to just accept the relationship for what it is and move on, regardless of whether or not that causes some inexplicable form of disappointment on my part.
What would it be like to live life as one of those people who barrel on through, so sure they've figured it all out?
“Since you can never control the way another person thinks or acts, living your life the way you think they want you to live it will inevitably bring disappointment. If, on the other hand you measure success in a more self-reflective way (am I being authentic? Am I learning to trust? Am I less fearful?), then no matter what happens to the relationship, you still end up a winner.”
These particular words are from the current TONY sex column, but while reading it I was struck by how a propos it was to the things I’m always reminding myself of these days. Just be authentic. Be yourself. And the rest will fall into place. Everyone’s journey to wherever they are in life is unique, and it’s ridiculous to try to bend that to appear to be similar to the path someone else has followed. As long as you both (or all) understand and accept the truth of each other’s history/makeup, then that’s all that matters. I have a good life, and try to live as a good person, and there’s nothing ultimately to be ashamed of there. And when I do discover some shameful little detail, I work to correct it instead of covering it up. Seems to be working, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessing over those same little details when not cognizant of this credo.
I am continually disappointed by D and the state of our friendship. And try as I might, I can’t figure that out. I have no idea why I hold her to a standard different that that to which I hold the majority of my friends. Why do I expect some sort of special treatment from her? And why, when I don’t get it, do I feel particularly betrayed? And when she does decide to reach out and make an effort, why do I see it as too little, too late? I have to figure this out. Maybe it’s just that I always thought our relationship was more “special” than it actually is. Maybe it’s like being on that sad end of a romantic relationship where you’re so much more interested and invested than the other person. I don’t know. Gotta take my own advice though (see above), and let her off the hook. The good thing is that I’ve refused to indicate that there’s been any hook to begin with, so she should be completely unaware. Long ago I realized that no good could come from any kind of discussion. It would only serve to further alienate us from each other. Better to just accept the relationship for what it is and move on, regardless of whether or not that causes some inexplicable form of disappointment on my part.
What would it be like to live life as one of those people who barrel on through, so sure they've figured it all out?
posted by P/O at 3/29/2005 04:06:00 PM
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