Monday, August 01, 2005

Just hold back the night.

I am an endangered panda. J is a headless parrot. B is very obese.

None of the above statements are particularly funny (or true), and yet on Saturday night, under the influence of this and that, they seemed absolutely fucking hysterical. I guess when you feel like laughing, you’re pretty much going to find something, anything, to laugh about.

Today, on the other hand, I feel like wallowing.

That persistently optimistic little voice that lives inside my head keeps piping up, shrieking about why things really aren’t as bad as they seem, or how things won’t always be this way, or how many things there are on the horizon to look forward to. And whereas most days I would sit down and say, “You’re right. Thanks for that,” today I’m all like, “Shut the fuck up, you annoying little cunt. Leave me alone.”

The bitch can be pretty persistent, but I’m having none of it. And doing a damn good job of plugging my ears and shoving its face down in the sand, if I do say so myself. Sometimes you just need to be a bully.

Example: heading to work this morning, I had the usual passing thought of, “I wonder if today’s the day New York gets it.”

But rather than following it with the equally weighty, “Mmm, can’t wait to get my morning coffee—hope there’s not a long line,” as that happy little voice would dictate, I instead lingered on the cheery subject of terrorism. But not in the usual, “Shit, that would suck, hope it doesn’t happen but even if it does what are the chances I or anyone I care about will be involved” way, but more in the vein of, “Eh, who cares anyway. At least I can take comfort in the fact that when the bombs start going off, I have nothing to lose. In some twisted way, that’s comforting. But wait, it’s having things you don’t want to lose that actually makes life worth living. Shit.”

And so on.

I think I prefer contemplating being an endangered panda or having very obese headless parrot friends.


Blogger Lostinspace said...

It's okay to be a bully. Sometimes you just need to be that way to block out all other thoughts. I actually do think about how September is creeping up soon, and how you are in it, in that city of what-ifs. You should just move to my city. We have all the endangered pandas you need.

9:31 PM  

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