The finger of blame has turned upon itself.
Walking by the old place last night after not having been down there for so long, I wasn’t prepared for the rush of emotions I would feel. Some sadness that things turned out the way they did, and some guilt for the parts where the causing of pain was entirely my fault. I guess that just because I’ve moved on to the point where I don’t think about the past much on a daily basis, it doesn’t mean that certain vivid reminders aren’t going to send me into deep reveries. Things like vacations we used to take together and the sight of the apartment that we shared...
I think back to the long, drawn-out “withering” period, and of course I see things I could have (should have?) done differently. But at the same time, I never lied, and I never set out to intentionally hurt or wound. So that’s something. And I know she didn’t either. And yet, that’s exactly what we both ended up doing.
God, I think back to those instances where she was so nasty, so...sick, and I can become indignant even to this day. No doubt she can (and does) too. I wouldn’t know though, since we have no contact with each other or with anyone in common. It’s for the best, but it’s pretty crazy to think that someone could be a part of your life for so long, and then in one final goodbye, like the snap of a finger, they’re gone forever. As if they died.
I often compared our breakup to a divorce (though I’m sure people who have actually been through divorces would take issue with that), since let’s face it, we were together longer than many married couples. And when you live together so many things, both physical and emotional, become shared. Despite the fact that I always fought against that. And I know that that was always painful for her. But in the end, I guess it was good that I did it.
Still, I regret the pain that I caused. And while I realize that much of the pain experienced is not entirely (some of it not even marginally) my fault, some of it certainly is, and for that I am sorry.
I regret the times I was mean. I still can’t figure that out, because I’m really not a mean person. And yet, people who are not mean at heart can become so vile when they’re unhappy enough, for a long enough period of time.
I don’t know why it’s important, but I hope that one day I'll become a good memory, and not just a painful or loathsome one.
I think back to the long, drawn-out “withering” period, and of course I see things I could have (should have?) done differently. But at the same time, I never lied, and I never set out to intentionally hurt or wound. So that’s something. And I know she didn’t either. And yet, that’s exactly what we both ended up doing.
God, I think back to those instances where she was so nasty, so...sick, and I can become indignant even to this day. No doubt she can (and does) too. I wouldn’t know though, since we have no contact with each other or with anyone in common. It’s for the best, but it’s pretty crazy to think that someone could be a part of your life for so long, and then in one final goodbye, like the snap of a finger, they’re gone forever. As if they died.
I often compared our breakup to a divorce (though I’m sure people who have actually been through divorces would take issue with that), since let’s face it, we were together longer than many married couples. And when you live together so many things, both physical and emotional, become shared. Despite the fact that I always fought against that. And I know that that was always painful for her. But in the end, I guess it was good that I did it.
Still, I regret the pain that I caused. And while I realize that much of the pain experienced is not entirely (some of it not even marginally) my fault, some of it certainly is, and for that I am sorry.
I regret the times I was mean. I still can’t figure that out, because I’m really not a mean person. And yet, people who are not mean at heart can become so vile when they’re unhappy enough, for a long enough period of time.
I don’t know why it’s important, but I hope that one day I'll become a good memory, and not just a painful or loathsome one.
posted by P/O at 7/21/2005 11:35:00 AM
1 Comments:
hi honey :) break-ups really suck. sometimes, they hurt even more than actual marriages that don't last (speaking as one who knows). it's funny, because i have had more pain from people that i dated than leaving the guy that i was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. i am sure that when certain songs come on, or when she smells a certain smell from walking by a bakery, or when she sees a certain bench that maybe the 2 of you once sat on, she will remember the good things you had, even if it ended up a little messy. beneath whatever pain you think you may have caused, there will be a morsel of sweetness that she will remember. she has to. if she loved you, she will.
Post a Comment
<< Home