Monday, May 16, 2005

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name.

My god I hate the internet.

Or more precisely, I hate the way I allow it to suck up so much of my time. I am weak, I get bored easily, and it knows that and panders to it. Stupid internet.

So in an effort to understand that which I hate (and thereby not hate that which I do not understand), I recently sat down for an all-out tête-à-tête with Stupid Internet itself. And to you, faithful readers, I now present the exclusive, sometimes shocking, sometimes silly, and sometimes downright boring results of our groundbreaking encounter. Just remember: you heard it here first.

P/O: Welcome, Stupid Internet. Thank you for joining me here today.

S/I: Thank you for having me. (As if you had any choice in the matter.)

P/O: So then I take it you recognize the tremendous power and hold over peoples’ lives that you possess?

S/I: Recognize it? I think, if anything, my power is not appreciated enough, and has perhaps already begun to be taken for granted. Where would you silly humans be without me? So many lives already depend on me, and that number increases with each passing day. And to think, we haven’t even been acquainted with each other for what amounts to the technological blink of an eye.

P/O: Well, it’s certainly true that many of us can’t imagine life without you. But honestly, isn’t it true that you were, in fact, invented by us “silly humans?”

S/I: Invented? INVENTED? Why, that would be like saying somebody invented the air or the sea. I ask you, who invented those things? Oh no, sir. I was not invented by humans. I’ve always existed. It just took you centuries to first acknowledge my potential and then to come up with the hardware and software capable of reaching out to me. And not a moment too soon, I must say.

P/O: Ok, well, I would agree that we have benefited immensely from the selfless access you provide us to, um, you. But as I’m sure you know, you are not without your detractors. If you don’t mind, I’d like to address some of their concerns.

S/I: I swear, if I have to hear about the whole porn thing one more time, I’m liable to just shut down. Seriously. Can’t you come up with anything else? It’s porn, people. Get over it. If you wanna look at it, look at it. If you don’t, don’t. And for god’s sake, take a little fucking responsibility for the actions of your children. Get a little involved in their lives. Maybe their own computer in their own bedroom with unrestricted access to me is not really the best idea. Just a thought.

P/O: Well, I was thinking more in terms of viruses, terrorism, privacy issues, and hell, even the debate between increased productivity vs. decreased productivity (like, for example, the fact that some people might, oh I don’t know, sit and type up interviews with you instead of working, or um, compose multitudes of e-mails to their friends, read blogs, and surf endlessly while at work), or even what you see as your role in the perpetual fattening up of America’s youth who sit on their asses more and more. But since you brought up porn, well ok, let’s start there.

S/I: Porn is good.

P/O: Agreed.

S/I: And it keeps you from getting the viruses you mention.

P/O: Huh?

S/I: Look at it this way, if you’re at home strokin’ it to the warm glow of your computer monitor, then you’re not out runnin’ around picking up all of your filthy human STDs now are you?

P/O: True, but when I mentioned viruses I was thinking more in terms of computer viruses. You know, the things that bring entire industries to their knees and have the potential to bring commerce to a screeching halt?

S/I: Look. Let’s not beat around the bush. I’m a big-ass ho. You know it, and I know it. No joke, I really get around. And when you get around like I do, you’re gonna spread some shit. Luckily I got you humans to clean me up when I get dirty. That’s one thing you’re proving relatively good at. So keep it up. If you’re gonna use me, then know what you’re using, educate yourself, and act accordingly. You screw a ho without protection, chances are you’re gonna catch something. Common sense.

P/O: Such candor. But since you mention actual physical human problems as opposed to computer ones, what about them? You know, carpal tunnel, poor posture, obesity, and the like. Do you feel you contribute to them? And what about cancer? Cancer of the eyeballs? How about cancer of the eyeballs? I stare at my monitor for so many hours each day that I’m really worried I’m getting cancer of the eyeballs...

S/I: I’ve been advised by my lawyers not to comment on such claims. You’ll have to take them up with your human hardware providers. But I will say this, you hypochondriatic freak: just because you have the means to lock yourself inside and stare at a computer screen 24/7 doesn’t mean you should do that. Get up off your ass and go do something human that you humans can get up and do. I swear. What I wouldn’t give sometimes to be made of flesh and have a body. But you people, you just whine and whine instead of getting out and taking advantage of it. You make me sick.

P/O: And I will say this, you digital dick: fuck you. You make me sick, too, you combative bastard. This interview is over.

S/I: Fine with me, prick.

P/O: Good-bye.

S/I: So I’ll see you in a few, then?

P/O: You know you will.


Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I'm glad my internet doesn't talk back to me. I already have a hard enough time convincing people my walls talk.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Lostinspace said...

Ha. We are all so addicted. Can't live without it. PS-sent you an email about new url. Thanks.

1:50 PM  

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