I miss you, but I haven’t met you yet.

Anyone reading this who knows me personally should probably just go ahead and skip this entry.

Seriously, keep moving people. Nothing to see here. There is, however, some brilliant stuff further down the page—feel free to scroll down and enjoy.

Ok, good. Now that they’re gone I can be completely and brutally honest. Lately I’ve come to realize that complete strangers are infinitely more fun and exciting than the people I know and love.

Oh simmer down, you. (Gimme a break, of course I know you’re still reading.) Let me try to explain.

As all of my fellow city-dwellers know, in an urban environment we encounter way more strangers than non-strangers on any given day. And most of the time, we simply ignore each other. It’s a real art actually, this whole “alone in the midst of millions of people” thing we’ve got going on. The ipod has helped of course, but if you’re new to the environment don’t delude yourself into thinking that things would be any different if we weren’t all always plugged into our own sonic landscapes. It’s never been any different (barring times of disaster or terrorist attack, of course), and it never will be.

But see, lately I haven’t been denying the existence of these myriad strangers. On the contrary, I’ve been staring at them. And while I’m staring, you can bet your ass I’m thinking all kinds of thoughts about how incredible they are and what amazing additions they’d make to my life. And I to theirs, naturally.

For you see, many of these strangers on the street are utterly faultless and without flaw.

That girl crossing the street over there? She is the sum total of her gorgeous flowing hair, perfectly tanned body, and tastefully revealing yet not at all slutty attire. Someone who looks like that would no doubt always be there for me, and no way would she have unrealistic expectations that I’d be unable to fulfill. Damn, I need to know her.

That guy standing on the corner? Come on, there’s no way someone with such strong yet friendly features, smiling eyes, and casual demeanor could ever let me down, or I him. You and I both know that he’d be the perfect friend. Not to mention lots of fun. Wish I had more people like him in my life.

See friends, although you’re all beautiful and friendly and loving and wonderful in your own ways, and I do love you dearly, don’t you see that I also know your faults? And worse, that you know mine? Because of this, I’m afraid we can never have a truly fulfilling relationship. Our love will forever be riddled with impurities, as opposed to this, the cleanest and purest of emotions that I currently feel for this guy and this girl. Sorry, but you know it’s true.

And furthermore, in addition to my utterly flawless new friends, there are still others who are, simply put, flaw and fault personified. Seriously. We’re talking ugliness and filth incarnate. These are, in fact, probably my favorite strangers of all. It is upon these particular individuals that I am able to focus every ounce of my deepest hatred and disgust.

That bitch who just stepped out of a doorway in front of me and slowed to a crawl right in my path? Clearly, she’s a fucking filthy cunt not even worthy of the energy it would take for me to pause my ipod and tell her off. I’ll just curse her under my breath and hope she eventually meets her rightful fate. Karma.

That dickwad standing in front of the subway doors, so that my fellow passengers and I can neither enter nor exit the train? Well, do we need any further proof that he is an evil motherfucker, whom one would be completely justified in pushing into the path of an oncoming train (were it not for the inconvenience it would cause all of the other unfortunate riders of the subway)?

So you see, my friends, I could never spew this kind of loathing, animosity, and ire in your direction. For although you can be complete shits (as can I), I am also acquainted with your numerous good qualities. And hence, I would feel somewhat guilty cursing you or wishing you pushed in front of an oncoming train. And I really don’t need the guilt. I’m sure you understand.

So for the reasons I have outlined above, I hope you will simply accept it and take no offense when I say that right now, my beautiful strangers are satisfying some urgent needs in my life that you could never even attempt to fulfill.

Deal with it, fuckers.