We are nowhere, and it’s now.

Last night, A suggested sex just to get off. I thought about it (and at least one part of me was ready to take her up on it), but in the end I just couldn’t do it. Too many issues, and I’m already so fraught with so many as it is... I couldn’t figure out where she was coming from—it seems so unlike her. Although, I guess it’s just further confirmation of what I’ve been realizing all along: after all this time, we really don’t know each other all that well.

Guess we didn’t keep each other informed as we evolved over the years.

Prior to her proposition I was feeling so judged by her, as I so often have in the past. And I found myself thinking, “My god, I can’t wait to get away from this. It’s so unhealthy. I need to start feeling good about myself and my choices.” Her judgments have become so poisonous, and in hindsight I can see that they were always a factor in the wedge between us. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I couldn’t get her to stop making them, and I couldn’t accept them, so slowly I shut down, and the wedge just drove itself further and further in. Not to say it was the only factor—god knows that wedge was made up of a lot of things, and a multitude of forces conspired to drive it deeper and deeper into the space between us.

And so the countdown begins. I’ll spend my weekend packing and in a mere seven days I’ll move out, having been open about some things and closed about others. Which is fine. I never granted her the right to peer into every aspect of my being. Which, I’m sure, helped get us to where we are today.