And I know you will always love sorrow.
What makes normal people happy only makes me sad.
Being so fucked up, how can I ever hope to have and hold onto anything normal? Doing what I’m doing with so-and-so, most people would be on cloud nine, walking on air, bouncing off walls. The exhilarating beginnings of a connection between two people, the giddiness of the whole getting to know each other phase, that indescribable period where every touch, every kiss is exciting and new. What is happier than that? What more satisfying and exciting?
And I am happy. And I am excited.
But underneath it all, I’m nervous. And insecure. And full of doubts and second-guessing. And these are qualities I’ve not seen in myself before, and I don’t like seeing them. I have moments where I’m able to rationally banish them from my mind, and those moments are good. But then when I’m not paying attention, the doubts just creep back in.
I think I’m just having trouble living in the present these days, which probably stems from a number of different factors. The state of the world, the state of my little life within it. Tumult and uncertainty breed insecurity in the present, I suppose. I’d love to get back to yoga/meditation, though the way I’ve been feeling I don’t think I’d be able to quiet myself enough to be successful at it, which only causes more frustration and unrest. Another vicious cycle in the cycle of vicious cycles.
This week I decided to leave my iPod at home, and walk around this city actually observing and interacting with my surroundings, as I did before I ever got the thing. And though many of this city’s surroundings are fucking annoying, I have to say it’s been a good way to feel just a little less disconnected, a little less like an island. It’s funny, because back when I was in college I used to see people walking around the village plugged into their walkmen and cd players, and think to myself how strange it was (not to mention potentially dangerous) to be so disconnected while traipsing around town. I couldn’t imagine needing that kind of distraction or entertainment just to get me from point A to point B, when the path between the two points was already so filled with so many stimuli and distractions.
Funny how things change.
Like, when A and I were in the earlier stages of our relationship, she insisted that she would never live with someone without being married to them. Seemed to be a rigidly, adamantly held belief. But somewhere along the line that changed. And I guess it’s good that it did, cuz look where it got us.
Being so fucked up, how can I ever hope to have and hold onto anything normal? Doing what I’m doing with so-and-so, most people would be on cloud nine, walking on air, bouncing off walls. The exhilarating beginnings of a connection between two people, the giddiness of the whole getting to know each other phase, that indescribable period where every touch, every kiss is exciting and new. What is happier than that? What more satisfying and exciting?
And I am happy. And I am excited.
But underneath it all, I’m nervous. And insecure. And full of doubts and second-guessing. And these are qualities I’ve not seen in myself before, and I don’t like seeing them. I have moments where I’m able to rationally banish them from my mind, and those moments are good. But then when I’m not paying attention, the doubts just creep back in.
I think I’m just having trouble living in the present these days, which probably stems from a number of different factors. The state of the world, the state of my little life within it. Tumult and uncertainty breed insecurity in the present, I suppose. I’d love to get back to yoga/meditation, though the way I’ve been feeling I don’t think I’d be able to quiet myself enough to be successful at it, which only causes more frustration and unrest. Another vicious cycle in the cycle of vicious cycles.
This week I decided to leave my iPod at home, and walk around this city actually observing and interacting with my surroundings, as I did before I ever got the thing. And though many of this city’s surroundings are fucking annoying, I have to say it’s been a good way to feel just a little less disconnected, a little less like an island. It’s funny, because back when I was in college I used to see people walking around the village plugged into their walkmen and cd players, and think to myself how strange it was (not to mention potentially dangerous) to be so disconnected while traipsing around town. I couldn’t imagine needing that kind of distraction or entertainment just to get me from point A to point B, when the path between the two points was already so filled with so many stimuli and distractions.
Funny how things change.
Like, when A and I were in the earlier stages of our relationship, she insisted that she would never live with someone without being married to them. Seemed to be a rigidly, adamantly held belief. But somewhere along the line that changed. And I guess it’s good that it did, cuz look where it got us.
posted by P/O at 4/08/2005 10:38:00 AM
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