This is not about love. I am not in love.
Wow. Great weekend. And yet, today I’m oscillating between happy and crappy. No doubt that’s due, at least in part, to the fact that I got just about no sleep over the course of three nights. Oh, and that I’ve neglected to take my meds what with all of the running in and out of my apartment and sleeping here and there. And as fun as that is, I definitely can’t have too many weekends that consist of it! Makes work on Monday much too difficult. Stumbled into the office around 10:00 this morning, and I don’t think I’ve fully woken up yet. And here it is almost 3:30 and about to head into a staff meeting. Here’s hoping the caffeine from this second huge cup of coffee kicks in soon and I don’t get myself fired!
So with things as good and happy and fun as they are, where is the oscillation toward crappy coming from (if not lack of sleep and/or meds)? Why am I obsessing over stupid things, when I know that in general things are good? The more I think about it, the more I realize that at least part of the answer to that question can be found in this ridiculous tendency I have to assume that good things are temporary while bad things are permanent. I only recently had an epiphany where I realized this about myself. What the fuck is up with that.
In any case, it's gotta change. Whenever I’m experiencing something good, it’s like it’s tempered by the knowledge that the goodness won’t last forever. Almost as if I keep myself from fully experiencing the goodness, since I know that it will eventually go away or be replaced by something else. And yet often when I experience something bad, rather than rest easy in the knowledge that it too is only temporary, I become mired in the fact that the badness has the potential to stick around, if not forever, well then at least for a really long time. One bad thing means that there is the potential for those bad things to continue to occur. And yet, one good thing only means that there is the potential for that good thing to go away and be replaced by a bad thing. As a result, I end up not appreciating the good things enough, and getting disproportionately frustrated and/or upset by the bad things. Hilarious that I consider myself an optimist.
Perfect example. This whatever-this-is with so-and-so has been fun, and gratifying, and exciting, and clearly mutual. And yet, I find myself grappling with stupid doubts and insecurities. It’s so ridiculous. Who would’ve thought I’d ever end up exhibiting qualities I found so unattractive in A. But to be fair, I don't think I'm actually exhibiting them at all. I’m experiencing them, but I’m so self-aware that I know what to show and what not to show; what’s rational and what’s irrational. I guess I just wish I could figure out where the irrational feelings come from, so that I could stop feeling them altogether.
But yeah, this has been a lot of fun so far, and I’m really enjoying it, insecurities and lack of sleep notwithstanding. Who would have thought this would happen. And whatever happens with it, it’s certainly been a good experience. And my friends have been supportive. I think I actually took pleasure in their surprise. And they were respectful of my boundaries, which is always good. J was funny with her “But you will tell us when we CAN talk about it, right???”
Supposed to head over to a birthday celebration after work, and although the idea of being out drinking is entirely inconceivable to me right now, I really want to see these people and so that’s going to make me head over and put in an appearance. And it’s early, so I should be able to be home really early and hit the sack at a reasonable hour. Man, do I need a good night’s sleep.
So with things as good and happy and fun as they are, where is the oscillation toward crappy coming from (if not lack of sleep and/or meds)? Why am I obsessing over stupid things, when I know that in general things are good? The more I think about it, the more I realize that at least part of the answer to that question can be found in this ridiculous tendency I have to assume that good things are temporary while bad things are permanent. I only recently had an epiphany where I realized this about myself. What the fuck is up with that.
In any case, it's gotta change. Whenever I’m experiencing something good, it’s like it’s tempered by the knowledge that the goodness won’t last forever. Almost as if I keep myself from fully experiencing the goodness, since I know that it will eventually go away or be replaced by something else. And yet often when I experience something bad, rather than rest easy in the knowledge that it too is only temporary, I become mired in the fact that the badness has the potential to stick around, if not forever, well then at least for a really long time. One bad thing means that there is the potential for those bad things to continue to occur. And yet, one good thing only means that there is the potential for that good thing to go away and be replaced by a bad thing. As a result, I end up not appreciating the good things enough, and getting disproportionately frustrated and/or upset by the bad things. Hilarious that I consider myself an optimist.
Perfect example. This whatever-this-is with so-and-so has been fun, and gratifying, and exciting, and clearly mutual. And yet, I find myself grappling with stupid doubts and insecurities. It’s so ridiculous. Who would’ve thought I’d ever end up exhibiting qualities I found so unattractive in A. But to be fair, I don't think I'm actually exhibiting them at all. I’m experiencing them, but I’m so self-aware that I know what to show and what not to show; what’s rational and what’s irrational. I guess I just wish I could figure out where the irrational feelings come from, so that I could stop feeling them altogether.
But yeah, this has been a lot of fun so far, and I’m really enjoying it, insecurities and lack of sleep notwithstanding. Who would have thought this would happen. And whatever happens with it, it’s certainly been a good experience. And my friends have been supportive. I think I actually took pleasure in their surprise. And they were respectful of my boundaries, which is always good. J was funny with her “But you will tell us when we CAN talk about it, right???”
Supposed to head over to a birthday celebration after work, and although the idea of being out drinking is entirely inconceivable to me right now, I really want to see these people and so that’s going to make me head over and put in an appearance. And it’s early, so I should be able to be home really early and hit the sack at a reasonable hour. Man, do I need a good night’s sleep.
posted by P/O at 4/04/2005 03:22:00 PM
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