Our fingers brush in the chill and stay frozen, a moment in time.

What a difficult week this has been. And due not to any external forces, but entirely to internal ones. It’s weird. “Getting involved” as I have been in whatever-this-is with so-and-so has thrown me into this very unexpected spiral of emotions (both healthy and unhealthy), questions, affirmations, and doubts. I’m not even sure anything could “work” when at least one of the people involved has so many issues to work out, but I’m not going to just write it off at this point. I’m hangin' in, takin' it slow, and whatever happens happens, I suppose. And what the hell. If getting off just happens to be a part of the process, well then, who am I to argue.

One of the biggest surprises has been this overwhelming feeling of “emptiness” that I’ve felt for the past couple of days. How great is that. Only I could be thrust into the exciting “newness” of getting to know someone and end up feeling more empty than full. But that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s called into question so many aspects of my life and how they became what they are, where they will go from here. And when grappling with the question of that emptiness, where it’s coming from, and how to go about filling it, the other big question that springs to mind (and try as I might, I'm unable to push it out) is whether I’ve been jumping into whatever-this-is with so-and-so simply because it’s something to jump into. I mean, I’m confident that it’s not the only reason (there’s certainly a lot of attraction there that stems from both a physical and an emotional connection), but if it’s even one element of it then I’m not so sure that’s healthy. Or at least, not so sure it’s something I really should be doing right now.

I haven’t been single that long, and one of my biggest “goals” in becoming so was to take some time to be alone and figure out exactly what I want, not just out of relationships but also out of this life in general. And since I haven’t come up with any real answers to those questions, I guess I’m questioning whether it’s the best thing for me (or the fairest thing for somebody else) to get involved right now. And I guess so-and-so is sensing it, and that will drive us apart eventually anyway.

So I keep reminding myself: be authentic. Be trusting. Be myself. And everything else will fall into place. Even if the place it falls into is initially uncomfortable, at least it can’t be argued that where it fell was the wrong place for it to fall. I know there will always be periods of sadness, or loneliness, or uncertainty (hell, that was the case even when I was in a "healthy" relationship). It is what it is. This too shall pass.