I guess I wanted to play too.

You know what? This may come as a shock to you, but I am not your little bitch. Not someone to be dragged (or ordered) around from place to place, here and there. “Hey, come wave hi to my friend over here. And then disappear. Shoo.”

Yeah. Fuck that.

Ok, that’s harsh and unfair. I know you don’t see me, or “us,” that way, and that it would hurt you to think, even for a second, that I actually believed that you did. I guess I don’t. And I do believe that through these little actions of yours, you really think you’re being kind; that you actually think you’re doing me a favor. And how can I fault someone for doing what they see as kindness? But you know what? You can keep those kinds of favors.

That bullshit with Y that night just recalled shades of W and X, and yeah, Z, who I’ve never met but certainly falls into the same category. The core group of "special" friends, the ones who, in some gesture of, I don’t know what actually, you feel some desire to introduce me to, but then you need to get me away from as soon as possible. I fail to see how these are gestures of kindness, or how they are “favors” to me of any kind. I mean, how does this enhance my life:

“Hi W, how ya doin’? Yeah, I’m P/O, nice to meet you. Ok, guess I’ll be going now. See ya.”

Or how about this one:

“Hi X, great to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. Yeah, I know I’m totally a fourth wheel and yeah, I know this is just some weird gesture and that no one really wants me here today, but you know… Mmm, this brunch is delicious isn’t it? Ok, bye.”

I mean, jesus. I actually felt grateful to you for deigning to see me when X was around—so much so that I fucking thanked you for letting me crash at your place that night! I hated myself for that as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but it was too late. And I guess I hated myself for feeling it, too. Why the fuck should I feel grateful for something like that? You either want me around or you don’t, and I will not feel grateful or ungrateful for either scenario.

And how about all the Z bullshit:

“Yeah, my friend Z’s coming to town, again, and yeah, you should meet her… Oh actually I guess you won’t this time. Yeah, we want to go out to dinner, and get drunk, and get stoned, and well, I just can’t stand the thought of us all spending more than a few minutes together. Sorry.”

Sweet. And come on, you know as well as I do that the only reason I know V is because I met her before I ever met you. And don't even get me started on your birthday, and how you made me feel like you were doing me a favor by allowing me to go out and celebrate it with the two of you and split that outrageous bar tab. You're the best.

You are in my life because I want you to be here. If that ever becomes untrue, I will certainly let you know. And likewise, I am in your life because I have been led to believe that you want me there. If that is untrue, or ever becomes untrue, all you need do is say the word. Because you know what? I have no desire to be in anyone’s life who doesn’t want me there, or to have anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be there.

It’s that simple. So no need for these little “kindnesses” that actually turn into little cruelties. Just be open. And honest. That’s all I need. And that’s all I can do.