In love, but not at peace. (Take 2)
Ok, so the other thing he wanted to talk about was definitely more nebulous (and hence harder to verbalize), but similarly tied to communication. A concrete manifestation of which was the fact that he wanted to make sure they both agreed that they are at a point where they wouldn’t just drop each other without some sort of significant face-to-face interaction.
Does it seem weird that he needed to ask this (especially in light of the whole unprotected sex thing)?
He thought it kind of did, so he spent a long time trying to figure out why exactly he needed this to be clarified. What it is that led him to need to confirm the fact that they mean more to each other than a random hookup that can be cast aside without a word or consideration? And what he eventually came up with is the fact that there are certain things about their style of communication that he just doesn’t understand. Not that he’s judged them as wrong or unacceptable; quite the contrary. They're simply different than anything he’s ever experienced, and therefore he sometimes has trouble knowing what to do with them. There are things about the ways in which they communicate that are different than any other significant relationship he’s ever had.
For example, his current partner is the only person in his life about whom he cares deeply who doesn’t take his phone calls. Again, he’s not judging this; he knows this about his partner (and sees him do it to everyone), and he knows that it’s something he has to accept. And one way in which this acceptance has affected his behavior is that, with rare exception, he just doesn’t call him. Rather than interpret his partner’s lack of desire to take his calls as a lack of interest on his part (since he’s been told that that is not what it represents, and hence will proceed under that notion until informed otherwise) he instead interprets it as the fact that his partner simply doesn’t like to be bothered with phone calls, and therefore strives not to bother him in that way.
Does this make sense? Does it seem silly or stupid to even have to talk about these things? Whatever. He’s always been more comfortable being explicit whenever possible, rather than having to play guessing games.
There are other things in the way they relate to each other that are different than anything he's ever experienced. For instance, most of the other people that he cares about also tend to initiate contact with him; their communication flows pretty evenly both ways. They call him, and don’t just return calls he’s made first. They send him e-mails, and don’t just reply to ones he’s sent. They ask him to do things, and don’t just agree to things he’s asked them to do.
He’s never thought of himself as a person who needs reinforcement in his relationships. But maybe that’s because he’s always gotten it in forms he’s familiar with.
Does it seem weird that he needed to ask this (especially in light of the whole unprotected sex thing)?
He thought it kind of did, so he spent a long time trying to figure out why exactly he needed this to be clarified. What it is that led him to need to confirm the fact that they mean more to each other than a random hookup that can be cast aside without a word or consideration? And what he eventually came up with is the fact that there are certain things about their style of communication that he just doesn’t understand. Not that he’s judged them as wrong or unacceptable; quite the contrary. They're simply different than anything he’s ever experienced, and therefore he sometimes has trouble knowing what to do with them. There are things about the ways in which they communicate that are different than any other significant relationship he’s ever had.
For example, his current partner is the only person in his life about whom he cares deeply who doesn’t take his phone calls. Again, he’s not judging this; he knows this about his partner (and sees him do it to everyone), and he knows that it’s something he has to accept. And one way in which this acceptance has affected his behavior is that, with rare exception, he just doesn’t call him. Rather than interpret his partner’s lack of desire to take his calls as a lack of interest on his part (since he’s been told that that is not what it represents, and hence will proceed under that notion until informed otherwise) he instead interprets it as the fact that his partner simply doesn’t like to be bothered with phone calls, and therefore strives not to bother him in that way.
Does this make sense? Does it seem silly or stupid to even have to talk about these things? Whatever. He’s always been more comfortable being explicit whenever possible, rather than having to play guessing games.
There are other things in the way they relate to each other that are different than anything he's ever experienced. For instance, most of the other people that he cares about also tend to initiate contact with him; their communication flows pretty evenly both ways. They call him, and don’t just return calls he’s made first. They send him e-mails, and don’t just reply to ones he’s sent. They ask him to do things, and don’t just agree to things he’s asked them to do.
He’s never thought of himself as a person who needs reinforcement in his relationships. But maybe that’s because he’s always gotten it in forms he’s familiar with.
posted by P/O at 1/24/2006 09:00:00 AM
4 Comments:
To my mind, needing reinforcement is a basic need in relationships. In the balancing act of life, one may accept this lack because other aspects more than make up for it, but that does not minimize its importance.
btw - what happens if you want to explore this beyond Take 1, and I am impressed by the lack of sexual identity your partner is given; the basics of relationships are universal.
The dropping each other thing...without the significant face to face interaction...i am a big proponent of that. right now i am so exhausted, though, to even have the interaction, so i keep running, while the other person does too, in different directions.
The guessing games...i wonder if they stop or lessen the older we get?
Not sure about answering a comment instead of a post, but I do not buy into dropping without interaction - may have been guilty of it at times, but do not delude myself into thinking its right. And as the old man around here, I do think guessing games lessen.
You ask if it makes sense and if it's stupid and silly. Really, it's only your answers to those questions that matter.
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