Slicing up eyeballs, I want you to know.

Recently, some post-coital conversation in which I was engaged turned to body dismemberment and cannibalism. I'm not kidding. Of course I realize that to some people this may not be much of a stretch, but I don’t really want to know about that. It struck me as kind of odd. And I think I might have been the one who initiated it. But anyway.

So here’s the issue in question: in terms of our edible muscle mass, we humans would be considered red meat, right? Now, we’ve got ribs, we’ve got loins, we’ve got chops, we’ve got rumps and tails and shoulders and whatnot. All prime cuts. So the question is this: do we possess anything that would be comparable to bacon? I maintain that no, we do not, as bacon is by definition pork, and since we have already established that we humans are not pork, well then, we can’t possibly have bacon hiding anywhere in our ample carcasses.

However, my porking partner, as it were (sorry, couldn’t resist), maintains that it would, in fact, be possible for humans to contain bacon. And here’s why: because turkeys have bacon.

I could have laughed until I cried.