I fucked you over a million times, and you died.

How can I be so deceitful, and yet still feel good about it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m racked with guilt, with which I grapple endlessly, but that’s not quite enough to get me to change my behavior now, is it? So here I sit, nervous, disgusted, and yet happy and excited at the same time. How is it possible to feel such conflicting emotions simultaneously? How is it possible to behave in a way you know is so wrong, and yet continue on knowing all the while that you’ll have to deal with feeling guilty later? And how do we ever absolve ourselves of guilty feelings, anyway? Is it just that we forget about them? I mean, absolution doesn’t change the past; doesn’t change the fact that what happened happened. That we did what we did.

Ah well, at least I’m now actively trying to make this right, right? As hard as it is, I’ve finally decided to make the right decision, as opposed to the comfortable decision. I recognize that I’ll essentially be throwing myself into turmoil and uncertainty, but I guess that’s the only option now. And it’s comforting to know that I’ll always have friends around, when I get to points where I really need them. It’s always been hard for me to “burden” other people, but I’m working on realizing that not everyone sees it as a burden. Much in the same way that it’s always been impossible for my friends to burden me.

So, here we go. About one hour until I leave the house on a “mission” I’ve never pursued before. We’ll see how it goes. And I guess the only thing keeping me able to deal with the guilt is the fact that I know I’m working toward making this right. And although that’s still a few months away, at least I know it’s coming.

As sick as it makes me to know that it’s coming.