I don’t need any, until I need more.
Addictions. We’ve all got ‘em, right? I’ve always “prided myself” on the fact that I don’t have a very addictive personality—Cigarettes? Sure, they’re nice and all, but I’ve never felt the need to become a regular smoker. Alcohol? Love it, but you know, moderation is key. Sex? Feels great, but it’s easy to do without—but maybe I'm a little more prone to addiction than I've always thought. I mean, we all know plenty of people who are battling various physical addictions, but what about mental ones? Is there such a thing?
For instance, these days I seem to be addicted to self-flagellation and obsessive behavior. And though that seems ridiculous, addiction is the only way I can think of to explain this inability to subvert actions that I consciously know are not what I want or need to be doing.
I have a friend who smokes obsessively. We’re talking one cigarette gets put out and another gets lit. He grapples with it, knowing it’s something he doesn’t want to be doing, and yet somehow ends up doing it anyway. It causes grief. Addictions cause grief, right? That’s got to be one of the ways we realize we’ve actually become addicted. That we’ve finally crossed that line between occasional indulgence or enjoyment and full-on dependence: we realize that we’re behaving in a way that we don’t have control over, and I guess that’s where the grief starts to come from. No one wants to feel they're out of control.
And so here I am, wondering what stupid thing I’ll do next, and why I won’t be able to stop myself from doing it.
For instance, these days I seem to be addicted to self-flagellation and obsessive behavior. And though that seems ridiculous, addiction is the only way I can think of to explain this inability to subvert actions that I consciously know are not what I want or need to be doing.
I have a friend who smokes obsessively. We’re talking one cigarette gets put out and another gets lit. He grapples with it, knowing it’s something he doesn’t want to be doing, and yet somehow ends up doing it anyway. It causes grief. Addictions cause grief, right? That’s got to be one of the ways we realize we’ve actually become addicted. That we’ve finally crossed that line between occasional indulgence or enjoyment and full-on dependence: we realize that we’re behaving in a way that we don’t have control over, and I guess that’s where the grief starts to come from. No one wants to feel they're out of control.
And so here I am, wondering what stupid thing I’ll do next, and why I won’t be able to stop myself from doing it.
posted by P/O at 1/24/2005 04:31:00 PM
4 Comments:
What do you mean by self-flagellation and obsessive behavior?
I just quit smoking, and it was shockingly easy. I cut my marijuana consumption from daily to twice a month. (so far) My drinking has stayed steady at twice a week.
I'm getting bored all the time, which leads me to cook and eat. I cannot sit still. That may be normal, and I'm just not used to it. Nobody likes to be bored, right?
I just can't figure out if I'm becoming normal because I used substances to stay entertained, or if I was normal and now I'm going nuts.
guess i've just been feeling bad about some stuff lately, and obsessively beating myself up about it. which leads to doing more stuff that i feel bad about. and then more beating myself up. you know, vicious cycle.
way to go on all your quitting stuff!
Thanks. Good luck to you, too. The only way I know to kill guilt is to do a few good deeds. It's harder than it sounds. I usually feed my friends.
hey, good idea. i'll have to give it a try.
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