Everything you live through is allowed.
I am aching today.
Don’t get me wrong, aching is not necessarily a bad thing. Many aches and pains come on as the result of hard, yet satisfying, labor. They can be signs of hard-won victory, or at least of the back-breaking work of sowing the gravelly little seeds that will one day lead, hopefully, to the reaping of lush crops of personal triumph.
I tell myself these are the aches I am feeling today.
Last night was a long night of many hours of arduous, difficult, and at times painful conversation. And it may not be over. But it needed to happen, and despite the pain, I’m glad that it did. Talking is always better than not talking. Communicating is always better than shutting down. And in truth, this started over the weekend, and led to a couple of frustrating days of withdrawal/no communication, before letting it all come out last night.
Relationships are hard, kids. And I have to keep reminding myself to be ok with that. But one thing about this relationship, as opposed to past relationships, is that the communication happens willingly on both sides. And with a minimum of angry outbursts, personal attacks, and/or needlessly defensive behavior. It’s nice.
So I come in to work this morning, and before I’ve even put my bag down my phone is ringing. I hate that! My immediate reaction, however silly, is always, “You have got to be kidding me.” I mean, doesn’t the goddamn caller know that I’ve just stepped into my office and haven’t even had a single swallow of my daily fix? Jesus. So I pick up the phone, and am surprised to hear that it’s my aunt. Who I never really used to talk to, but who I’ve been establishing a new, kind of deeper relationship with over the past year or so. See, she’s kind of crazy, and since finding out that I am, in fact, crazy too (I only really became open about it with all of my extended family within the last couple of years), we’ve been all about the correspondence. Heh. Families bonding over psychotherapy and psychopharmaceuticals. Welcome to the 00’s.
Anyway, a long and intense conversation followed. But again, it was good. I’m glad she called.
As the day goes on, my phone continues to ring off the hook, and when I pick it up a couple of hours later, it’s my mom. Huh? What is this, family catch-up day at the office? We hadn’t spoken in quite some time, and for some reason she got the urge to call me during a planning period, which I don’t think she’s ever done before. It was sweet, and another very intense conversation followed. So much intensity in one day! But I’m glad she called.
So let’s recap: emotionally intense weekend leads to tumultuous and emotional couple of days, culminating in hours of draining and intense relationship talk last night. A few hours of sleep then lead directly into intense conversation with aunt, followed by equally emotional conversation with mother. Followed, finally, by feelings of ache and (I know I’m a broken record) exhaustion.
Did I mention I am aching today?
Man, I’ve hardly experienced any physical aches and pains at all since I started training again... Guess I better kick it up a notch!
Guess I better count my blessings, is more like it.
Don’t get me wrong, aching is not necessarily a bad thing. Many aches and pains come on as the result of hard, yet satisfying, labor. They can be signs of hard-won victory, or at least of the back-breaking work of sowing the gravelly little seeds that will one day lead, hopefully, to the reaping of lush crops of personal triumph.
I tell myself these are the aches I am feeling today.
Last night was a long night of many hours of arduous, difficult, and at times painful conversation. And it may not be over. But it needed to happen, and despite the pain, I’m glad that it did. Talking is always better than not talking. Communicating is always better than shutting down. And in truth, this started over the weekend, and led to a couple of frustrating days of withdrawal/no communication, before letting it all come out last night.
Relationships are hard, kids. And I have to keep reminding myself to be ok with that. But one thing about this relationship, as opposed to past relationships, is that the communication happens willingly on both sides. And with a minimum of angry outbursts, personal attacks, and/or needlessly defensive behavior. It’s nice.
So I come in to work this morning, and before I’ve even put my bag down my phone is ringing. I hate that! My immediate reaction, however silly, is always, “You have got to be kidding me.” I mean, doesn’t the goddamn caller know that I’ve just stepped into my office and haven’t even had a single swallow of my daily fix? Jesus. So I pick up the phone, and am surprised to hear that it’s my aunt. Who I never really used to talk to, but who I’ve been establishing a new, kind of deeper relationship with over the past year or so. See, she’s kind of crazy, and since finding out that I am, in fact, crazy too (I only really became open about it with all of my extended family within the last couple of years), we’ve been all about the correspondence. Heh. Families bonding over psychotherapy and psychopharmaceuticals. Welcome to the 00’s.
Anyway, a long and intense conversation followed. But again, it was good. I’m glad she called.
As the day goes on, my phone continues to ring off the hook, and when I pick it up a couple of hours later, it’s my mom. Huh? What is this, family catch-up day at the office? We hadn’t spoken in quite some time, and for some reason she got the urge to call me during a planning period, which I don’t think she’s ever done before. It was sweet, and another very intense conversation followed. So much intensity in one day! But I’m glad she called.
So let’s recap: emotionally intense weekend leads to tumultuous and emotional couple of days, culminating in hours of draining and intense relationship talk last night. A few hours of sleep then lead directly into intense conversation with aunt, followed by equally emotional conversation with mother. Followed, finally, by feelings of ache and (I know I’m a broken record) exhaustion.
Did I mention I am aching today?
Man, I’ve hardly experienced any physical aches and pains at all since I started training again... Guess I better kick it up a notch!
Guess I better count my blessings, is more like it.
posted by P/O at 4/27/2006 04:45:00 PM
2 Comments:
i like the lush crops of personal triumph part. about a month ago, i, too had that aches of long emotional conversation so i totally know where you are at. why don't you just shut the cell down and fly out here for a vacation? :) cheers
Without the late night talks, my marriage would have collapsed months ago. There is something to opening up in the dark and the quiet.
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