I can turn and turn, I can turn, and be still facing the wrong way.

Had an unexpected introspective moment at X&Y's place on Saturday morning.

Don't you just hate that? All you wanna do is have brunch with your friends, and next thing you know, you're mired in a moment of self-examination and evaluation? I know I do!

Thing is, I didn't realize how much it bothered me at the time, until I got to the end of the weekend and saw how much time I had spent thinkng about it.

I was in the kitchen with Y pouring some coffee for myself and others, and noticed we were listening to the new Ben Folds album, which I have and also enjoy. So I asked Y, quite innocently, “Whose cd is this?” meaning “Who chose this cd,” or “By whose will did this cd come into this house,” not imagining that my question could actually be interpreted as “To whom does this cd belong, you or X,” even though that is, I suppose, the way it was phrased. I mean, like everyone else in this couples-oriented society, I too take it for granted that when two people get married all (or at least most) things become shared. Joint property to go along with joined lives.

However, Y heard the question just as it was asked, and answered in an exasperated tone, something to the effect of, “When you’re married, everything just belongs to both of you.” And it stung. Because in his response (and with the sigh and tone of voice that accompanied it) I heard his complete exasperation with the way he and X perceive me and my views on marriage. And in that moment I saw with crystal clarity the way they see me when it comes to those things.

I didn’t like what I saw, not only because I don’t find it flattering, but also because I don’t feel it’s accurate. I love X and Y; I love them apart and I love them together. I think they’re a perfect couple, and I'm so happy that they’re married, because it makes them happy. I was thrilled to be at their wedding, I had a blast, and I was more than touched to be able to share that weekend with them. Same goes for all of my other friends and family who are married and happy to be so. I get endless joy from their joy. Nothing makes me happier than seeing what I perceive as married and/or relationship bliss. Just because I’ve never tended toward that or felt the desire to bind myself to another person in that way, doesn’t mean that I never will or that I look down on those that do!

But in that moment with Y in the kitchen, I saw that they believe that I do. They believe that I have a warped sense of what marriage means, and that, perhaps, I judge people who go through with it. Or if not judge, I at least stand off on the sidelines, observing in silent disbelief and puzzlement.

And it’s not true! I don’t do that, and I don’t feel that way! But Saturday made it clear that there’s no way of convincing them of that. (I mean, of course I’ve always known that I’ve been pigeon-holed in this way, but I’d never seen the exasperation this perception of theirs causes them.)

I’ve devoted too many words to this. It just bothers me. But I guess in the long run, it’s just another reminder that you can never control the way people see you and you will never perceive yourself the way you are perceived by others. That’s just life, and that’s just fine. And in the end, lots of people love you for how they perceive you, whether or not they perceive you the way you perceive yourself. And X and Y have never been shy in their fondness of me. Despite whatever parts of their perceptions occasionally exasperate them.