I want your warm, but it will only make me colder (when it's over).
I’ve been obsessed with Fiona Apple’s “Love Ridden” the last few days. We’re talking, it ends and I just start it over again. Weird, because I’m not usually like that. Usually I can’t stand hearing the same song repeatedly, over and over. Especially songs of the whiney female singer variety.
But I guess the “Love Ridden” thing started with my recent re-discovery of songs from “When the Pawn...” in a moment of particular happiness. So I popped that disc in early last week, and somehow “Love Ridden” just implanted itself in my brain and I’ve been unable to get it out of there since. It’s playing as I write this, quite possibly for like the 20th time today.
On my way to work one morning (as it played on my ipod) I found myself wondering why I’ve so connected with it right now, seeing as how it’s not really relevant to anything I’m going through or even anything I’ve ever been through. But the key (aside from the poetry of the lyrics coupled with the beauty of the music, I guess) probably lies in the above lyric, which describes exactly how I’ve been feeling lately, off and on and to varying degrees. At its worst, it becomes momentarily incapacitating; at its best, it’s just this nagging irrational feeling tugging at the back of my mind. But no matter what, it always seems to be there. And even as I see it for the irrational little bitch that it is, the fight against it has always been a struggle for me. Not to mention my complete inability to figure out where the hell it comes from. And until I know that, I fear I’ll never be able to push it away once and for all.
Maybe it’s partially spurred on by recent events, but I can’t blame it entirely on external factors because the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s always been there in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. That is, this sick need to temper all joy with the knowledge that it is fleeting and cannot (and will not) last forever. So don’t get used to it, P/O! Don’t enjoy it too much! In fact, maybe you shouldn’t enjoy it at all... (That’s the most out-of-control manifestation of the psychosis.)
As a result, like a complete freak, it’s often in times of greatest happiness that I experience the most profound grief. The cliché that fits best here is “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
And so “Love Ridden” fills me with the joy of a reminder of moments of true happiness, and also fills me with the dread of the “realization” that said happiness will no doubt come to an end. Not a question of if, but merely a question of when. Oh yes. I’ll find a way to fuck this up, don’t you worry.
And I guess if I’m honest, I connect more with the idea of being “love ridden” than the idea of being simply “in love.”
But I guess the “Love Ridden” thing started with my recent re-discovery of songs from “When the Pawn...” in a moment of particular happiness. So I popped that disc in early last week, and somehow “Love Ridden” just implanted itself in my brain and I’ve been unable to get it out of there since. It’s playing as I write this, quite possibly for like the 20th time today.
On my way to work one morning (as it played on my ipod) I found myself wondering why I’ve so connected with it right now, seeing as how it’s not really relevant to anything I’m going through or even anything I’ve ever been through. But the key (aside from the poetry of the lyrics coupled with the beauty of the music, I guess) probably lies in the above lyric, which describes exactly how I’ve been feeling lately, off and on and to varying degrees. At its worst, it becomes momentarily incapacitating; at its best, it’s just this nagging irrational feeling tugging at the back of my mind. But no matter what, it always seems to be there. And even as I see it for the irrational little bitch that it is, the fight against it has always been a struggle for me. Not to mention my complete inability to figure out where the hell it comes from. And until I know that, I fear I’ll never be able to push it away once and for all.
Maybe it’s partially spurred on by recent events, but I can’t blame it entirely on external factors because the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s always been there in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. That is, this sick need to temper all joy with the knowledge that it is fleeting and cannot (and will not) last forever. So don’t get used to it, P/O! Don’t enjoy it too much! In fact, maybe you shouldn’t enjoy it at all... (That’s the most out-of-control manifestation of the psychosis.)
As a result, like a complete freak, it’s often in times of greatest happiness that I experience the most profound grief. The cliché that fits best here is “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
And so “Love Ridden” fills me with the joy of a reminder of moments of true happiness, and also fills me with the dread of the “realization” that said happiness will no doubt come to an end. Not a question of if, but merely a question of when. Oh yes. I’ll find a way to fuck this up, don’t you worry.
And I guess if I’m honest, I connect more with the idea of being “love ridden” than the idea of being simply “in love.”
posted by P/O at 10/31/2005 10:29:00 AM
3 Comments:
I've been in a serious "When the Pawn..." mode for the past two weeks or so. I had a rough evening with a guy and as I was telling you about it, he said, "This is exactly like Fiona's 'Fast As You Can.' " Indeed, it was.
It is pretty amazing how music works that way. Fiona is someone I've never been able to get into, but maybe it's because her lyrics are too real.
But to go further into what you're talking about... sometimes it's worth stepping off the cliff to be happy not knowing if you'll be ultimately successful rather then ruining any chance that you may. Was talking about this with a friend the other day. We'd both been through a crazy year, but neither one of us would necessarily take back any of the hurt for having had the experience or to be where we are now.btzo
I meant "telling Joe" not "telling you."
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