I guess I'd shut my mouth and re-think a minute.

In a restaurant, in a large group, surrounded by people I’d just met:

Friend #1: Watermelon is such a great
palate-cleanser.

Me: Yeah, it makes your palate taste like
ass.

Entire Group: . . .

Friend #2: But you like ass.

Me: . . .

I really make the best first impressions.

---

In a bar, surrounded by friends and strangers:

Girl #1: I got this new hair product for the humid
weather. It’s great!

Girl #2: Ooh, what is it? Lemme see.

Girl #1: It’s really nice. Smells good, and
keeps my hair from frizzing out.

Girl #2: Love it! Where did you get it? I should get
some.

Me: Let’s talk about the holocaust!

So classy.