You'll find us rolling on the dirty floor.

As unfunny as they really are, STDs can still provide a hefty dose of the ha-has. I discovered this years ago when I updated the tried-and-true Diarrhea Song (You know the one: “When you’re sliding into first, and you feel a little burst, dia-RHEE-a, dia-RHEE-a...”) to instead pay tribute to “Chlamy-DEE-a, Chlamy-DEE-a...” I mean come on. What’s funnier than that? Not much, I say!

So last night the crackwhore and I are underground, waiting for the train, when the convo (thanks for the vocab, Limey) turns to everyone’s favorite topic: STD infection and testing. Par-tay!

So we’re talking and talking, me more loudly than necessary (of course), and just as the train comes and we’re stepping into the (silent) car, I announce to all of our fellow passengers, “Yeah, well you probably should get tested. I mean, that is within that borderline three-month gestation period.”

And we’re instantly aware of a perceptible reaction among our fellow passengers; dismayed, no doubt, at the change in their once peaceful (and STD-free) environment.

So I say, “Is this weird? Should we not be talking about this here?”

And crackwhore says, “Well it may be a little weird, but it’s all out there now. Why stop there?”

So we continue our conversation, perhaps more graphically than necessary. And while I won’t go into detail here, if you happened to be in that train car last night, you now know much more about me and my sexual practices than you ever wanted to know.

Wanna fuck?