And you shake her 'til she sings.
Oh sweet relief. Got home from work last night and went right out for a run, and it was just blissful to actually be able to breathe and not feel like I was suffocating in the oppressive heat and humidity. God, I hate writing about the weather, but it’s just been so unbearable that I can’t help it. Don’t get me wrong, I like to sweat when I’m supposed to be sweating (and man do I do a lot of it) but few innocuous things affect my state of mind like sweating through my clothes repeatedly throughout the day or feeling curtains of sweat running down my body as I wait for a train in a stagnant and sweltering subway station. Ugh. The current weather is a beautiful change, and I wish it would last until my party this weekend. But alas, it looks like the swelter will be back by then.
So I had (another) "date" last night that ended with sex. (I put "date" in quotes because for some reason I don't think of myself as actively "dating." Even though I guess I kind of have been.) I know it's stupid, but I’m kind of conflicted about the amount of hooking up I’ve been doing. But at the same time, why should I be. I have no desire to lead a celibate lifestyle, and no reason to do so.
Kentucky Guy, Kentucky Girl, and I had some great talks when I was there. I find Kentucky Guy to be so open-minded and compassionate that it still strikes me as odd that a certain someone else always thought otherwise. There was a lot of yankee prejudice there, no doubt... But I digress. At one point I made a joking comment about the possibility that their little man could turn out gay, and it was clear from Kentucky Guy’s quick and off-the-cuff response that his son can turn out to be whatever the hell he ends up being, and it’ll be fine with him. I found that very touching, especially given the ways Kentucky Guy has questioned homosexuality in the past. But even then, I always found his questioning to be so open-minded and accepting—not judgmental. A true rarity among men in their social circle down there.
Another conversation that sticks out in my mind was one between Kentucky Girl and me regarding depression. We’ve both grappled with it in similar ways throughout our pasts, and whenever I get into a conversation like that it floors me how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. I can’t believe that it was only a little more than a year ago that we were in the Outer Banks, and I was quietly drowning in darkness and despair. My god, that moment atop that lighthouse. And that solitary grayness on the beach in the whipping wind. And my inability to communicate with that certain someone because of it. And that someone's complete (and understandable) lack of comprehension.
Yikes. And the most frightening thing is that it's only in hindsight that you can see it for what it truly was. There’s no way to see it accurately from within, when you’re mired in it. Luckily I was able to claw my way out, but it certainly makes me wonder how many people aren’t. And as a result, how many people are living their lives, making their decisions, from within that warped perspective. I think back to how incapable I became of making a rational decision (and how impossible it was for me to realize that at the time) and I wonder who else in my life is going through that. Scary.
So I had (another) "date" last night that ended with sex. (I put "date" in quotes because for some reason I don't think of myself as actively "dating." Even though I guess I kind of have been.) I know it's stupid, but I’m kind of conflicted about the amount of hooking up I’ve been doing. But at the same time, why should I be. I have no desire to lead a celibate lifestyle, and no reason to do so.
Kentucky Guy, Kentucky Girl, and I had some great talks when I was there. I find Kentucky Guy to be so open-minded and compassionate that it still strikes me as odd that a certain someone else always thought otherwise. There was a lot of yankee prejudice there, no doubt... But I digress. At one point I made a joking comment about the possibility that their little man could turn out gay, and it was clear from Kentucky Guy’s quick and off-the-cuff response that his son can turn out to be whatever the hell he ends up being, and it’ll be fine with him. I found that very touching, especially given the ways Kentucky Guy has questioned homosexuality in the past. But even then, I always found his questioning to be so open-minded and accepting—not judgmental. A true rarity among men in their social circle down there.
Another conversation that sticks out in my mind was one between Kentucky Girl and me regarding depression. We’ve both grappled with it in similar ways throughout our pasts, and whenever I get into a conversation like that it floors me how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. I can’t believe that it was only a little more than a year ago that we were in the Outer Banks, and I was quietly drowning in darkness and despair. My god, that moment atop that lighthouse. And that solitary grayness on the beach in the whipping wind. And my inability to communicate with that certain someone because of it. And that someone's complete (and understandable) lack of comprehension.
Yikes. And the most frightening thing is that it's only in hindsight that you can see it for what it truly was. There’s no way to see it accurately from within, when you’re mired in it. Luckily I was able to claw my way out, but it certainly makes me wonder how many people aren’t. And as a result, how many people are living their lives, making their decisions, from within that warped perspective. I think back to how incapable I became of making a rational decision (and how impossible it was for me to realize that at the time) and I wonder who else in my life is going through that. Scary.
posted by P/O at 8/16/2005 12:17:00 PM
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