Monday, January 10, 2005

When I was young and ballsy and true. To you.

What a weekend. Got trashed with J Friday night. Vegged Saturday during the day (so crappy out). Watched the extended Return of the King and cried like a little girl. Went out with J&D Saturday night and then back to their place to watch MP’s Holy Grail. Then walked home at midnight. Pretty much anything to keep from having to hang out at home and deal with the problems between A and me. It just gets too exhausting to focus all of my attention on it all of the time.

But that’s what Sunday ended up being for. We decided to go out to breakfast where talk inevitably turned to “us,” and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day walking around Manhattan, shopping, talking, chilling, etc. Walked from the west 70s down to Tribeca, and then trained it back up to the UWS to deal with the hell of Fairway and cooking dinner/lunch for the week. All ultimately led to an attempt to settle down and watch Arrested Development at 8:30, only to find an episode of 24 on instead. What’s up with that? I mean don’t get me wrong, 24 is a fine show and all, but what’s going on with Arrested Development? It’s one of the three shows on television I actually try to catch, and yet I haven’t actually caught it for months. Thank all that is holy for the Season One DVD set, that's all I have to say.

Man, I type something like that and my thoughts immediately turn to the true horrors of the world (ie. tsunamis, Iraq, Sudan, etc.) and how obnoxious it is that I could even type something, however jokingly, like “Thank all that is holy for the Season One DVD set, that’s all I have to say.” God bless the good ol’ isolationist U. S. of A.

So I’ve been thinking about the fact that I really might not be a good person. No seriously, bear with me for a second. I mean, it is entirely plausible that all these years I’ve been deluding myself into thinking that my existence is actually a decent one. Sure I’m compassionate, tolerant, and try to treat all people the way I want to be treated. But really, in the end who besides myself is this existence serving? I’m hard-pressed to think of anyone who actually benefits from me being here. Yeah, I do go out of my way to be considerate of others and attempt to cause as few problems or as little suffering as possible, but how much good do I actually go out of my way to do? How much of a positive effect do I actually strive to have? I’m really good at staying out of the way and not having a negative effect, but what about actively doing good? All day every day is focused on doing my job and fulfilling my own needs, but what about once in a while addressing the needs of others? There has to be a way to do it; to strike a balance between being good to myself and being good to others—not just not being bad. And that’s just it: there’s a difference between being a good person and not being a bad person. So ok. I’m probably not a bad person. But am I really a good one?


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